god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Someone shit on the floor
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize