Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.