I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
