I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
