i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
