When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
