bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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