I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Four minutes until I can fart!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
