It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I puked a lego.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Randomize
