Just fell off a train. Bad.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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