my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
