i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
