did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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