Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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