It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
