Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
True strength comes from lack of pants
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
