An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
