My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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