3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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