I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
