Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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