What a fucking waste of an outfit
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
These tits shall not be calmed
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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