Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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