dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
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