He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I will pee on everything he values.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
NoShamevember. You game?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
