You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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