just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
