Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I got her a Nickelback box set.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
