On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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