This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
