i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
The air was thick with penises
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
