I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
