Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
