Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
