if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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