wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
