Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
