I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
