Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Randomize
