The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
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I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
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this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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