girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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