I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
