apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
