Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
