Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
