Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
PANTIES FOUND
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