then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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