Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
