when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
