I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
