I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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