So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
