Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Randomize
