i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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