discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
