I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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