If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
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