Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
